Hiiiiii!
Ok, I am back to writing on this blog. At the moment, it is 9:52am, and I am at my therapy job with a bunch of free time, so what am I doing? I am writing.
It smells like eggs in here. I should be posting on Substack because that’s where all the cool girls are writing now-a-days, but as always, I’ve decided to write for myself.
I’m trying to get into the habit into doing things that feel good for me. For so long, i’ve done the “right” thing, which consists of making decisions that my parents would want me to make, because they care for me, blah, blah, blah, you know the whole deal, but the truth is only I know what’s best for me. As a child of immigrants, it is hard to not feel so connected to them when making decisions for myself.
More recently, I decided to turn on Fleabag Season 2, while completing my 1000 piece puzzle, full of gnomes and mystical creatures. (https://magicpuzzlecompany.com/products/the-gnomes-homes). While I was watching, I kept thinking to myself, this is the greatest piece of media I have ever seen! Every. Time. I watch it and think, wow, she is SO good at what she does! (Phoebe Waller-Bridge). If you have not seen Fleabag, please watch it, it’ll change your life. There’s a scene that I keep thinking about that feels relevant to my life right now. Let me preface. Main character Fleabag, gets a gift from her father for a voucher for therapy. She tries to pawn it off on her sister. Her sister says no. Eventually she goes to the session. At the beginning of the session, she shows resistance (deflecting, making jokes, etc.) she eventually caves in and asks the therapist, what should I do? (She’s asking about her love life–I realize our contexts are different) The therapist responds back with, “you already know what you are doing to do.” I am of the firm belief that our lives are already planned out for us. Each decision we make is not a matter of if, but when. That line rings in my head.
The truth is, I already know what I am going to do with my life. I can only make choices here on out that feel fufilling to me. Becuase what would I be doing other wise? Making choices that others want me to make and then like…wasting my time being unhappy? Uh, no thanks.
And yes, there is a possibility that maybe I make the wrong decisions. But i’d rather it be my wrong decision than someone else’s. There is no amount of external validation or confirmation from those around me that will change my passions and suddenly make me happier to be doing a career that I do not want to do. Sometimes, we find ourselves pushing to be happier in something we don’t care about. Whether that’s a relationship that does not seem to be working, or a job we do not find fulfillment in. I think sometimes, when you know something is right for you, it feels right without making the most sense.
Is it smart to potentially leave therapy to chase something I know nothing about?
Probably not.
Will my parents be disappointed in me?
Probably so.
Does it feel like a step in the right direction?
I think so.
I don’t really know, how I am going to get to where I want to be, but for some reason, I guess leaving this job and finding another one seems like a step in the right direction.
Thanks for listening,
Hina
Prettiest Girl in The World 